my body is not handling eating very well. after 11 years of anorexia, it is telling me that eating is so hard. and I am not trying to  but whenever I do eat, I feel myself puking, it up, and then I do, and not even on purpose. it sucks. I am trying so hard not to give into my ed thoughts, bc I am pregnant, but it is getting to me. that food is making me sick. point blank. and I cut last night, after finding out about something devastating I couldnt handle the feeling. and I had to calm myself down. I am not worth much is howI feel, and after finding out that my good friend online, might have killed herself this morning is getting to me. I am so worried about her, I have lost 2 friends in the last 2 years, one to suicide in 2005, and one to anorexia this year, actually 2 this year to anorexia. Katie, Polly, and Kaylie are all dead. I really cant handle losing another friend. this sucks. I am so worried. My depression is at an all time high, i feel pretty dead inside, and my best friend thinks the abuse I had with my ex-husband was a lie, and she doesnt even believe me. I feel unvalidated, and used. ...I always believe her , and she cant even give me the same courtesy...uggh.

I cant believe how much time has passed, sinc ei wrote a blog in here.  A lot has happened. I am now 21 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I just got my ultrasound from perinatology today, she is concerned that I am not gaining enough weight. and she is also concerned I might have contracted aids, from the rapist in August. I am kinda going freakin crazy and super depressed right now. and it doesnt help to have these damn hormones going thru my veins. and I am so annoyed at my bfs dog, for being alive, after jumping on me the other day, and making me bleed, I almost lost the baby bc of that damn dog. and bc he bit my daughter. and my bf still keeps him!! GOsh darn it. I hate that creature, and I usually always love dogs, but this one is just a little too out of control fo r my taste. Cassie is going to be 1 year and 2 months old exactly on christmas day. and I got her http://images.craveonline.com/article_imgs/Image/learn-and-groove-musical-table.jpg

......I really am glad I got everyone their gifts, already except for my mom. bc she is hard to shop for.